


Bad Ritual

by BerthaMason



Series: Creep On Creepin' On [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Autistic Ben Solo, Chapter 2 tags, Come Marking, Coming of Age, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dry Humping, Emotional Manipulation, Extreme Underage, Extremely Dubious Consent, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Grooming, Han is a terrible parent, Incest, Masturbation, Non-Consensual Kissing, Non-Consensual Somnophilia, Oral Sex, Parent Death, Physical Abuse, Rey is possessive, Sibling Incest, Statutory Rape, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Unprotected Sex, Vaginal Fingering, Virgin Ben Solo, Virgin Rey (Star Wars), or is obsessive?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:42:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27521734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BerthaMason/pseuds/BerthaMason
Summary: Their ritual was suffering. Their ritual was understanding. Their ritual was sick. Their ritual was love. Their ritual was meant to be forever.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Creep On Creepin' On [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2011498
Comments: 34
Kudos: 129





	1. it’s a bad, bad ritual

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first in a series of short stories inspired by songs from the album Creep On Creepin' On by Timber Timbre  
> [The song](https://youtu.be/Ma3DcbNgQmc)
> 
> Rey is like 10 or 11 in this first part but they won't have sex until she's 14 (there is still explicit sexual activity though)  
> 

Mom and dad always joked how Ben threw the biggest tantrum when he discovered they were pregnant again. I know it sounds par for the course of older siblings, but having a five-foot-tall 7-year-old have a meltdown in the living room isn’t exactly ideal. They were so worried he would have another outburst when I was born that they sent him off to uncle Luke’s. A week later, when they finally let him see me, he held me in his arms and never wanted to put me down. At least that’s what mom said. 

The early years of my life consisted of coloring on Ben’s bed while he did homework, playing with worn-out toys in the waiting rooms of all of his doctor's appointments, and watching those old Universal monster movies he loved so much. I slept in his room more often than not, which dad never liked; at first, he only mumbled and groaned about it to mom, but the older I got, the less he tolerated it. Mom would always defend us and tell him that we weren’t doing anything wrong, but he would shake me awake and make me go to my room whenever she was away on business. It was annoying, but it didn’t matter because I always found my way back. 

I loved everything about Ben. I loved how it looked like he was chewing his tongue when he thought really hard about something and how he pouted his lips when he was frustrated with the most minute detail. He also kept his hair cut just above his ears because he knew how much I loved to see them. 

When Ben was a sophomore, uncle Luke started pushing him to plan the transition to college life. Luke was an occupational therapist, so mom didn’t fight him too much, and dad was more than happy with the idea of Ben leaving. Ben’s love for me was unconditional, so I wasn’t worried in the slightest when he got accepted to Chandrila University in his senior year of high school. At least...maybe not in the beginning. Everyone was just so excited for him; mom wanted him to live in the dorms to socialize and make as many friends as possible, and dad wanted him to start dating. I wanted him to stay.

Things changed once we found out mom was sick. Mom was admitted for in-patient care, uncle Luke moved into the guest room to help out, and dad started drinking a lot more than usual. Ben was never great with too much change, so he ended up deferring his enrollment by a semester. 

I was changing too - not that anyone cared. Pink was no longer my favorite color, I wore a training bra, and I started calling dad Han to piss him off. More importantly, I started getting these weird fluttery feelings in my chest every time I touched Ben, which became more frequent with every passing day. I couldn’t seem to stop myself and found every opportunity to touch him in some way. I would hold his hand when we explored the forest behind the house, tug on his earlobe while we were cuddled on the couch watching movies, and mess with his legs underneath the dinner table. Ben would never initiate touching anyone and barely liked it when family members patted him on the back or tried hugging him, but he never seemed to mind when I did any of those things. 

Eventually, the fluttery feeling in my chest changed into an uneasy pressure that settled right between my legs. I went on like this for weeks, miserable and moody, which of course Han pointed out every chance he got. That bastard. I didn’t think I could do anything about what I was feeling until I was cuddled up on Ben’s lap one Monday afternoon after school watching The Twilight Zone. It was an episode we’d already seen, and I was getting very bored. I wiggled in my spot, and whatever movement I made was the perfect angle and pressure to send a shockwave throughout my body like nothing I’d ever felt before. I moved again, but Ben squeezed my arm like he was telling me to stop, so I did. 

That night I stayed in my room and tried my best to recreate the feeling from earlier. I tried sitting on the edge of my bed and squeezing my legs shut, rocking my hips, and pressing my palm between my legs, but nothing I did made me feel as good. I was frustrated beyond belief and screamed into my pillow until I fell asleep. 

***

It wasn’t until Friday night that I found myself home alone, watching _The Thing_ with Ben. I had managed to keep my distance from him throughout the week since he spent most of that time at the hospital with mom, but that night Uncle Luke went to keep mom company, and dad went out to get drunk. 

After I made some popcorn, I took the vacant spot on the opposite side of the couch. Ben didn’t say anything per usual; he just stared at my forehead and chewed on his cheek. The butterflies in my tummy were restless, and I thought I’d be in the clear when he pressed the play button, but as the opening credits played, he started flicking his fingers in the way that usually led to his rocking. It only took a couple of seconds before I made my way to his lap, and he relaxed. Ben didn’t like it when anyone deviated from the norm, and I wanted to get through the movie without having to listen to all the noises he made when he was agitated. 

It would be unfair to say I moved just to appease him; I had spent the last couple of days unbearably irritable, and his arm around me was an instant relief (no surprise there.) And even though the urge to rub against him was immediate and intrusive, his heartbeat against my back and steady breath against my neck were calming. Most importantly, my legs were dangling down either side of his left leg, and his thigh nestled perfectly between my legs. 

I spent the beginning of the movie absentmindedly playing with the soft black hair that went up his forearm. I had resolved to only wiggle against him when something scary happened so that it wouldn’t be too obvious, but I was too antsy and lost my patience. I rolled my hips down into him a couple of times lightly, testing the waters, then moved a bit more aggressively against him. But like before, he squeezed my arm, and I stopped.

The movie was more disgusting than scary, and I hated it when the alien killed those poor dogs. It didn’t help that some of the words were too big to understand, and nothing particularly interesting was happening, so most of my focus was on every slight move that Ben made.

It wasn’t until some guy on screen had a heart attack that Ben pressed his thigh into me. By then, I was invested in the movie and trying to figure out which of the people were aliens, but the feeling between my legs was too intoxicating to ignore. Ben continued to press his leg into me in varying rhythms until a man’s chest burst open, and I jumped back into him. I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest, and while Ben’s heartbeat seemed to match, his breathing had remained steady against the back of my head. 

Before I could move against Ben in response like my body was aching to do, the front door swung open, and dad came stumbling in, making Ben loosen the grip he had around my waist. The look of disgust on dad’s face was enough to make my cheeks burn, but the opinion of some good for nothing drunk didn’t mean anything to me. Not when I had Ben. 

Dad had mumbled something as he dragged his heavy boots down the hall, but I couldn’t hear it over the alien’s screeching. He slammed his door a couple of minutes later and never came back out. 

After the movie, Ben turned off the TV and waited for me to clean up the popcorn that had spilled on the couch before heading to bed. I stomped up the stairs behind him and went straight to my room door before making the mistake of looking back. For a moment, I almost conceded; his eyes were glassy, and he looked confused as to why I was spending another night separated from him even though dad had already passed out for the night. 

“Goodnight Ben.” I didn’t wait for him to respond before slamming my door shut and going to sleep, clutching my pillow as if it was Ben. 

***

By the time I woke up the next morning, everyone was gone. On Saturday’s Ben would go to the hospital to be with mom, Luke spent most weekends with his hippie friends camping in the woods, and Han was more often than not at the repair shop working on his beloved Falcon. 

I didn’t really have any friends to play with since I chose to spend all my time with Ben. This girl Rose Tico was very nice to me at school, but I didn’t know her phone number to ask to hang out or where she lived. Instead, I downed two bowls of frosted flakes coated in sugar and went walking behind the house alone. I grabbed the walking stick Ben liked to use even though it was almost taller than me. He had carved his name onto the side, and even running my fingers across his name got me excited.

Nothing special happened on my walk. I messed with an anthill I found, tried twirling the walking stick like a staff until I whacked myself in the head, and recited the Twilight Zone theme song to all the little critters that would listen. 

The house was still empty when I got back, so I went straight to the bathroom without my towel to shower off the mud and sweat that had accumulated on my legs and arms. 

When I finished, I peeked out the door to make sure I was still alone and tiptoed to Ben’s room naked and soaking wet. I locked myself in his room and riffled through the dresser to find Ben’s favorite t-shirt, a black v-neck with Frankenstein and his bride on it. I finally found it in a pile of dirty laundry situated between his desk and closet. It sounds disgusting, but Ben never smelled bad, and his clothes were no exception. 

The shirt was enormous, falling just below my knees. I twirled around like it was a dress and jumped onto his bed in a fit of giggles to make myself comfortable. His sheets were much softer than mine and smelled just like him, freshly washed laundry with the faintest whiff of the leather seats in Han’s car. Not long after I settled in under the covers, did my hands find their way underneath the shirt. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be doing, but that didn’t stop me from trying. I placed my hand between my legs and pressed down. There was the faintest buzzing in the back of my head, but the feeling was nowhere near how it felt being on Ben’s leg. I pressed down a little harder, and I could feel my ears get hot. 

In all my excitement, I didn’t realize the bedroom door had opened. It wasn’t until I lifted my head to get a better view of what was going on below my waist that I noticed the large figure looming in the doorway. Ben couldn’t see what was going on under the blankets, but from the intensely curious look on his face, it was apparent he knew what I was doing. I didn’t think my ears could get so hot, and I could feel the blood rushing to my face. I jerked my hands from where they were and slid them under my butt to keep from fidgeting.

I wasn’t worried that Ben would yell at me. He never yelled at me, even when I was purposefully annoying him. One time I accidentally spilled fruit punch all over his desk and ruined his homework, but all he did was reassure me that he could redo it and that everything would be alright. He even cleaned up the mess by himself. The only thing that changed was the rule where if I was in his room, I had to use my sippy cup. It was a nice compromise, so I didn’t mind, even as the years went on and I outgrew needing a sippy cup.

“Ben,” was all I could whisper as he walked to his desk to hang his backpack over the chair, “you’re home early.” I was working through what lies to tell, but I hadn’t thought of anything yet. I just hated how quiet it was. 

He made his way to the bed and stood over me. Looking up at him was nothing new, but I had never felt so small. My heart was racing, and parts of me were throbbing that never had before. I thought about running out of the room, but part of me wanted to see what he would do. 

He lifted the blanket and pushed it over to the side. I was still wet from the shower, so the air felt like pins and needles against my skin. Worse than that, the shirt had ridden up above my hips, exposing everything I wanted to keep hidden. He didn’t seem disgusted or excited in any way. He was just staring. 

“Show me,” the deep timbre of his voice cut through the silence, and I could feel the throbbing between my legs intensify, “I want to see what you were doing.”

Touching myself alone was weird enough; I would never have imagined doing it in front of someone. Despite that, I removed my hands from underneath my butt and tentatively placed them on my stomach, waiting a moment before putting my hand back between my legs. I pressed down, but I was feeling more anxiety than excitement. I tried closing my eyes, but that just made me more anxious. When I opened them again and looked up to Ben, he seemed unsatisfied with what I was doing, which was disheartening. 

“Here,” he said as he looked around the room before grabbing Chewie, the stuffed lion mom gave him when he was little.

He nudged my legs open and told me to spread them. Once they were spread to his satisfaction, he pushed my knee up so that it bent toward my stomach and sat down beside me. Ben brought the stuffed animal in between my legs, but I immediately closed them, keeping him from bringing it any closer. He playfully nudged my knee with Chewie a couple of times before I decided to open my legs again.

The giant mane bordered on irritatingly itchy against my thighs, but before I could complain, Ben shoved the plastic nose against me, and I flinched back into the pillows. Whatever he did felt infinitely better than what I had tried, so I took a deep breath and waited for him to do it again.

“I know what you’ve been trying to do,” he said, right as he pushed Chewie back against me. There was no room in my head to be embarrassed since all I could think about was the tingling in my fingers.

I felt too light-headed to say anything. My breath was coming out in shallow bursts with every swipe of Chewie’s nose, and I did my best to steady my breathing. The pressure built in my chest until a shaky feeling made it’s way down to my legs, making my toes curl. My legs closed instinctively, but I still jerked my hips to meet his hand, and the sigh he let out made my heart flutter.

Once the buzzing faded, I opened my legs so he could move his hand, but he continued stroking Chewie against me, much slower than before. It was strange in the best way, and I let him continue until the feeling became so overwhelming I had to wiggle away.

“How do you feel?” He asked, standing up and putting Chewie back on the nightstand as nothing had happened. 

“Good. My head feels fuzzy.” 

The corner of his mouth lifted in one of those crooked grins he was known for giving instead of genuine smiles. He knew what fuzzy feeling I was talking about but didn’t say anything further. Before he could sit back down next to me, I noticed the bulge in his pants that wasn’t there before. I knew what dangled there, but I had never seen it do that and was instantly curious. 

“What happened,” I asked, pointing to the bulge. 

“It’s an erection. It means my penis wants to play with your vagina.”

“How does it play?”

“I have to stick it in you until I cum.”

“Are we going to keep playing then?”

Ben looked down at me like he was considering all his options, and I waited on the bed swaying my knees from side to side. 

“No.”

“But I want to make you feel fuzzy too.”

“You already do.”

“Really, how?”

“I can show you another way.” He unzipped his jeans and let them fall to the ground. The bulge seemed even larger then, and I watched in cautious excitement as he sat down next to me without taking his boxer briefs off. He palmed at his erection and wormed his other hand between my legs again to open them. 

Ben didn’t touch me like I thought he was going to; he sat rubbing himself, glancing between my face and my open legs. He took his time pulling his erection free from the hole in front of the briefs, and I did my best to keep my surprise to myself at the large member standing up by itself. It looked like it belonged to one of those horror movies he liked to watch so much. The skin going up the length of it was slightly darker than Ben’s face, and the top of it was a deep pink that glistened with clear fluid that seemed to be leaking out of the small slit. It twitched without Ben touching it, and I couldn’t help but scrunch my face in disgust.

“That means he’s happy to see you.” 

I could feel myself losing my nerve, and for the first time since Ben walked into the room, I looked at the door and considered running out. 

He wrapped his hand around his erection and slowly pumped it, squeezing his hand hard every time he got to the tip. I laid there quietly, thinking back to all the things Ben has done to me with those hands. All the walks we took in the forest, that same hand guiding me through the brush, the times he held me in his arms while we watched movies, and all the times he tied my shoes when I refused to learn how to do it myself. 

Before I knew it, Ben was grunting, and his hand was moving frantically up and down. With a final guttural moan that made me ache, a cloudy white substance spurted out and leaked down. 

Before I could say anything, he reached out and spread the warm liquid against me. I felt extra sensitive down there but stayed quiet as he collected more of the liquid from the base and rubbed it into me. I raised my head and watched as he took his index finger and tried to push it into me, but he stopped as soon as I started whining and wiggling against the intrusion. 

“This is where it belongs.”

“What is it for?” I wiggled again as he made one last effort to push his finger into me. He didn’t get very far before I whined loud enough to make him pull out. 

“This is what makes babies.” He seemed so calm, but my eyes shot open. I wasn’t as worried as I might have looked, but it did seem like a topic that was more serious than Ben was making it seem. 

“Did we just make a baby?” I sat up completely this time and tried leaning forward enough to look at the slimy mess. Most of it had collected on the small nub at the top of my vagina, but some of it leaked out of the hole that Ben had tried invading. 

“Not unless you got your period and didn’t tell me.”

Periods. There had been quiet rumbling at school about the impending doom every girl would face in the upcoming years, but I hadn’t gotten too many details. The nurse said that our mothers would answer any questions we had when the time came, but it never seemed right, asking mom questions about it while she was hooked up to so many monitors. 

“No, no period.”

“Then no baby.”

“Oh...okay.” It’s not like I wanted a baby, but the idea of having my own baby with Ben intrigued me. It would be something just for us. 

“What do we do now,” I asked, moving to sit criss cross and draping his shirt over my legs. Ben stuffed his much softer looking penis back into his briefs and went to grab a tissue from his desk. 

“We should probably put some clothes on. And I’m assuming you just had sugary cereal for breakfast, so I’ll make lunch.”

I had meant the question in a much more broad sense, but if Ben wasn’t going to worry about what we had just done, then neither was I.

We spent the rest of the day downstairs. We watched Shrek and ate lunch; Ben helped me with some math and science homework, and when I finished, I helped him make spaghetti for dinner. By the time it was 10:00 p.m., Han still hadn’t come home, so I joined Ben in his bed, and he touched me until we were both too tired to keep our eyes open. 

For the next couple of weeks, playing with Ben became a nightly routine. It was trickier when Han and uncle Luke were home, but that didn’t stop me from sneaking into Ben’s room once everyone was asleep. I was a lot more tired at school and had to take naps in the back of the library during lunch, but it was worth it. 

***

One day at school, seemingly out of the blue, Rose gave me her home phone number and told me to call whenever I wanted to hang out. I wasn’t sure what caused the sudden change of heart, but the prospect of having a friend I wasn’t related to for the first time was exciting. 

“You want to know something funny,” Rose asked, walking out of her kitchen with a mouth full of marshmallows, “I was kinda scared of you when I first met you.”

“But you were so nice to me.”

“I was nice because I was afraid you were gonna beat me up.” 

I was barely five feet. It had never occurred to me that I could scare anyone. 

“You think I’m scary?” I coughed between breaths and swallowed the glob of marshmallows I let melt in my mouth. 

“Not really anymore. You finally looked like you weren’t going to beat anyone up, so I took my chance.”

That was probably true. I wasn’t like Ben, but I spent so much of my time being around him, I didn’t know how to act in front of anyone else. I still wasn’t sure how to act around Rose, but my overall mood had improved. Han had even said so backhandedly one of the few times he was home long enough to interact with me. 

Rose and I spent the afternoon roaming around her giant house. She talked a lot about her parents, who were both doctors, her older sister Paige who was in the Air Force, and Finn and Poe, the most handsome boys in school - according to her. I did my best to keep details about Ben and mom to a minimum, but I didn’t hold back on how much I hated Han and how annoying uncle Luke was. 

“Oh, and the library is down there,” Rose opened the door down to the basement and held out her hand for me to go first, “but don’t get your hopes up; it’s mostly medical textbooks and boring adult stuff. Nothing like the library at school, and I know how much you love hanging out in there.”

Beautiful wooden bookshelves adorned each wall and spanned from floor to ceiling. There were two velvet couches in the middle of the room and a desk as big as my dining table off to the side. I walked around the room and perused the shelves while Rose laid back on one of the couches and worked on throwing marshmallows in the air and catching them in her mouth. Once I found one with lots of pictures, I laid out the heavy book on the floor and flipped through the pages until I found what I was looking for, female anatomy. 

Come to find out, I actually had two holes down there, one for sex and babies and the other for peeing. I read about menstrual cycles and how pregnancy happens, and how drastically it changes the body. I soaked up as much information as I could before Rose got bored and pulled me upstairs to play Dream Life on her bubblegum pink TV. 

***

Things were getting tense around the house. Mom wasn’t getting any better, so Ben deferred his enrollment again, and everyone saw less and less of Han. I didn’t mind Han not being around, but Ben wasn’t taking it as well as me. He wasn’t doing much except for visiting mom, reading books, and watching movies, so I asked him to start walking me to and from school. 

Rose got to meet Ben that way, and they got along really well. Their relationship mostly consisted of Rose asking Ben questions about horror movies, and when Ben found out she had never watched The Twilight Zone, he was more than happy to invite her over so we could all watch it. I didn’t like the idea of Rose interrupting our alone time at first, but she seemed to respect how close Ben and I were; and if she was ever weirded out by me always sitting on his lap, she didn’t say anything. 

***

Having Ben’s finger inside of me got easier as time went on. It still burned a little, but having his cum spread all over my vagina seemed to make him happy, so I would just lay back with my legs open and wait for him to finish.

“You wouldn’t have to do that if you just put your penis inside of me.”

Ben was lying in front of me with his head nestled between my thighs, his index finger gliding in and out my core with the help of his cum. I couldn’t see his reaction, but I knew he heard me by the way he slowed the pumping of his finger. I bucked my hips to get him to speed up, but he didn’t. 

“Ben, please.” Whining usually worked, but it didn’t this time. 

“I don’t think it’s a good idea right now.”

“Why not?”

He responded by slipping his middle finger alongside his index finger and jamming them into me. I yelped out and tried closing my legs around his head, but he beat me to it and used his other hand to keep them open. 

“Ow, ow, ow, stop it!” Ben pulled out his fingers, and I cringed at the squelching sound that echoed in the room.

“That really hurt.” 

“You can’t even take two fingers.”

“You need to apologize, Ben.” I waited for him to say something, but he didn’t. 

“Ben. Apologize.”

“I’m sorry. But you won’t listen. You’re too young. It’s going to hurt if we have sex.” 

I hated that his head was still between my legs. My core was still sensitive from what we had been doing, and every breath was making me throb. I was still mad. I wanted to have sex so bad, but he was right. I had seen him jerk off enough times to know how much bigger his penis was compared to two of his fingers. 

“I guess you’re right.” I crossed my arms and shrugged, not wanting to talk about it anymore. I should have just kept my mouth shut and let him finger me in silence. 

“I can still make you feel good,” he let his fingers drag on my inner thigh, and the tingling in my core shot down my legs, but I kept my arms crossed and stared up at the ceiling. Without any warning, I felt something warm against my skin and looked down to see him slurping up the cum from between my legs. I thought I had felt the full scale of pleasure from our bedroom adventures, but the feeling of his tongue lapping at my mound was pure bliss, and I couldn’t help but let out a loud moan.

***

I came home from school one day to find it full of strangers hauling medical equipment out of a truck and through the living room. Uncle Luke was standing in the house’s entryway, directing men into the master bedroom while Han sat on the couch, nursing a beer. 

“What’s going on?”

“Your mother is coming home.”

That was good news, so I was confused as to why his expression was less than optimistic. It was irritating that no one had told me anything before, but it might have been a consequence of not visiting mom more. 

“Mom is coming? She’s all better?”

“Not exactly. We have - we’ve decided that what is best for Leia now is palliative care that will be overseen here.” I looked over to Han for any clue what Luke was talking about, but he sat stone-faced looking at the wall. I wondered if Ben knew what was going on. Ben hated it when there were too many people in the house. All the noise would probably irritate him. 

“Pall..what?”

“Rey, she’s coming home to-”

“She’s coming home to die," Han grumbled from his spot on the couch before slowly making his way to the kitchen for another beer. 

Luke rolled his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation but got distracted by the loud clanging of equipment outside before he could say anything more. He rushed past me to the door and started arguing with one of the men out there.

I ran to Ben’s room to check if he was there even though halfway up the stairs, I realized that he was most likely with mom. His room was empty, but I settled at his desk, still shaking from what Han had said, and started my homework. I thought I would be safe in Ben’s room surrounded by his scent and lingering warmth, but after a few rogue tears ruined the paragraph I was writing about the battle of Scarif, I threw myself onto the bed and cried. 

When Ben got home for dinner, my mood instantly improved, if only for a moment. I went to hug him, but he pulled away from me. I didn’t like it when he did that, but I didn’t want to push too much. 

Dinner was going as horrible as expected. Han was drunk, Luke was exhausted from organizing mom’s room and getting the house ready for her arrival, and Ben was being Ben. I was able to distract myself from the pit hollowing out in my stomach by following the pattern of Ben’s waves cascading down his head. He had let his hair grow out, which I was unsure about initially since it started to curl over his ears.

It all came to a head when Luke brought up how to prepare emotionally for moms arrival, and went over her care, and what to expect from the prognosis. Han just grunted, but Ben’s rocking came in full force. I tried talking to him, but Luke told me to let him work through it by himself. 

Han smacked his hand down on the table, startling Luke and me, but it didn’t phase Ben at all. 

“For fuck’s sssake! Can you be still for one moment? Can I just get one moment where you’re not fucking flicking or stomping or rocking? Just one moment!”

I saw red. I wanted to jam my fork into his chest for yelling at Ben like that. 

“Han, please,” Luke looked too sympathetic and mild-mannered for my taste, and before I could stop myself, I stood up from my seat and slammed my hands into the table just like Han had. 

“Don’t yell at him like that!” My voice cracked, but I hoped my stance was intimidating enough. 

“And you,” he turned his head and stood up on unsteady feet so he wouldn’t have to look up at me, “you little b-b-bitch, you’ve been a pain in my assss since your mother got sssick. Who do you think you are talking to me like that? I am your father, and you will respect me.”

“Fuck you! You’re a shit dad and a shit husband, and you have no right to yell at anyone like that! Especially Ben.”

In my anger, I hadn’t noticed Luke usher Ben away from the table. And by the time I realized I was alone with Han, the cracking of his open palm on my cheek echoed throughout the dining room and sent me falling onto the floor. I covered my cheek in some pathetic attempt to protect myself from another slap and watched through teary eyes as Luke ran back into the room and picked me up from the ground. My tailbone was throbbing, but I was able to make it up the stairs to Ben’s room. Luke had been mumbling something, but I didn’t understand him. Ben was sitting on his bed, rocking and humming to himself, and I took the spot next to him, careful not to get too close. 

Luke knelt down in front of us, looking completely heartbroken. I could see his lips move and assumed he was trying to be comforting, but the ringing in my ear was too loud to focus. I saw him flinch at a muffled noise off in the distance, and he was gone in an instant. 

I sat at the edge of the bed, unsure of what to do next. My butt hurt, my cheek was still hot to the touch, and I started to shake from the adrenaline of screaming at Han. I wanted so bad for Ben to hold me. I wanted to be able to curl into his lap and have him comfort me and tell me everything was going to be alright. I just wanted him; but I needed to wait till he was done. I crawled to the head of the bed and let the cooling memory foam of Ben’s pillow comfort me while I let his humming lull me to sleep.

Sometime later on in the night, when Ben was calm again, he tucked us both in and pulled me into him so that I was up against his chest. 

A gentle knocking on the door woke me up a little later, and the soft glow from the hallway filled the room. Luke walked in and took a seat next to me. Ben’s light snores in my ear let me know that he hadn’t woken up, so I whispered as quietly as I could.

“Where is he?”

“Don’t worry; he’s gone. Are you okay?” 

I wiggled closer into Ben and grabbed hold of the hand he had on my stomach.

“I’m okay.” That wasn’t a total lie. 

“Listen, Rey; I don’t -I don’t want to make excuses for him, but he’s having a tough time with everything going on with Leia, and I just…” he sighed and let his words fade into the darkness, “I’m sorry. I should have taken you both out of the room, but I just wanted to get Ben out of the way before he did something. You know how big your brother is.”

“No, it was the right thing to do. I would’ve hated for something to happen to him. Anyways, it probably wasn’t the smartest idea to yell at Han while he was drunk.”

“Don’t think it was your fault either-”

“It just made me so angry, and I just thought...I don’t know what I thought.”

“I know, kid. I know. Don’t worry about it now. I’ll uh -I’ll be downstairs if you two need anything.” Luke patted me on the shoulder before getting up from the bed and walking out. He glanced back at us one more time with a curious look on his face. I wanted to ask him about it, but he walked away before I could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is also my first try at first-person POV. There might be a lot of mistakes but I'm not totally mad at it.


	2. but it calms me down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated the tags for this chapter. All previous tags still apply.

Mom’s arrival was stressful for everyone. Uncle Luke finally explained that mom had stopped responding to treatment, and now they wanted to focus on relieving her pain rather than trying to fix it. I was nervous about how the house would feel after she came home. I had been preparing myself for mom’s death; what I wasn’t prepared for was everyone else deciding it wasn’t worth it to try to treat her. 

I spent minutes pacing the hallway in front of her room, thinking of an apology good enough for why I hadn’t visited her in so long. Of course, nothing sounded good enough. Could I even tell her about Ben? Would she understand? 

“Sweetie. Look at you. You’ve grown a couple of inches since the last time I saw you.”

She looked so weak and frail in that bed, and it was hard ignoring the significance of this being the first conversation we’d had face to face in a long time.

“Mom,” my lip quivered. I knew tears were close by. She held her hand out and gestured for me to come closer, and as soon as I had my arms around her, I let it all out. She let me cry for what seemed like hours, and when I was finally done, she placed her shaky hands on my cheeks and lifted my face so that I was looking into her eyes. 

“Does my hair really look that bad?” I didn’t want to laugh at her joke, but the cheeky smile she had on her face put me at ease.

Mom always had her thick brown hair braided in some intricate way around her head when I was growing up, but there had been less and less of it when she got sick, and now whatever was left was tucked underneath a headscarf. I tucked my face back into her chest and cried until my eyes were sore. 

“Everything will be alright, darling. It’s all going to be alright.”

***

The first couple of conversations with mom were difficult for me to wade through, but eventually, I looked forward to coming home from school and telling her about my day. Talking to her again felt like talking to a stranger, but not in an awkward way. It was the kind of comfortable and open conversations you can have with a stranger because they don’t know you, all the mistakes you’ve made, your guilty pleasures, or your accomplishments; they only know what you tell them. 

Han stayed with one of his buddies from work, but he still came over every couple of days to spend time with mom. It wasn’t so bad having him around. I made sure to keep my voice down when greeting him, and I remained vigilant when he was near Ben just in case I had to intervene for any reason.

Everything about Luke annoyed me less ever since the night Han smacked me. It was partly because the house felt less chaotic when he was the acting patriarch, but I think it was mostly because he didn’t grab and shake me from Ben’s bed like Han used to. Luke spent a lot more time taking care of mom, getting rid of the alcohol in the house, helping me with homework, keeping an eye on Han, and trying to talk Ben into finally re-enrolling into college. 

The burgeoning problem with this whole situation unexpectedly came from Ben. I assumed with mom home, we’d have even more time together since he wouldn’t have to go to the hospital, but he spent even more time by her side. And on the off chance he was in his room, he locked the door so I couldn’t come in. Things became increasingly tense between us, and he hardly acknowledged my existence. When the nurses came to check on mom, he wouldn’t even look at me. I allowed him the space he seemed to want to put between us, but every day that passed chipped away at my patience. I missed being around his comforting presence, and trying to touch myself at night was a fruitless venture.

I spent a couple of days hinting to mom how sad I was that Ben wasn’t spending time with me anymore and how lonely I was in the hopes that she would use her motherly magic to get him to hang out with me. Finally, on a random Saturday afternoon, she kicked him out of her room so she could have some alone time while we watched a movie together. 

Ben was reluctant at first, but I told him I wanted to watch a movie with practical effects instead of CGI (which was some movie terminology I overheard him trying to explain to mom.) He seemed happy with my request and put on _The Fly_ without any further objection. 

My stomach was in knots in anticipation of whether he’d let me sit on his lap. He didn’t look irritated or angry; he was just sitting there quietly, watching the menu screen repeat over and over again. I thought about sitting on the other side of the couch first, but it had already been so long since I’d touched any part of him, and I couldn’t wait. I took my rightful spot on his lap and leaned back into him, careful not to wiggle my butt too much.

Surprisingly, the movie caught my attention early on, and I was devastated when the scientist’s teleportation pod didn’t work, and his monkey died. Sometime later in the movie, the scientist and his girlfriend were in bed together, holding each other much like Ben used to hold me when I slept in his bed. The memory of it alone made my toes curl, and I had the unshakeable urge to squeeze my legs together.

Later in the movie, I lost all sense of self-control and wiggled my hips against Ben. His penis felt soft, but I figured if I could get it hard, he’d have no choice but to play with me. He squeezed my arm to tell me to stop, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. I opened my legs wider to get his thigh up against the special spot that made me feel extra good and jutted my hips back and forth against him. Ben didn’t say anything, but he dug his fingers deeper into the flesh of my forearms, making me wince. A much-welcome haziness overcame me, and I was able to ignore the burning sensation of Ben’s fingernails digging into me. 

It felt like he was close to drawing blood, but it didn’t matter. The only feeling that mattered was his skin against mine. The pressure in my chest. The buzzing in my head. It all swirled around in my body like a tornado, and before I knew it, I was being thrown to the ground. 

Ben was out of the room in the blink of an eye, leaving me a shaking mess. 

I wanted to scream out to him, but he was already in his room, and I knew he wouldn’t come back. It was rare Ben did something he didn’t want to do, and it was now apparent he no longer wanted me. 

I listened to the rest of the movie curled up on the floor how Ben left me. I kept my eyes closed and mentally followed the path from the ache between my legs to my chest. 

It was challenging to understand the movie’s details with my eyes closed, but I did my best. In the end, the scientist wants to fuse his body with his girlfriend so they could be together forever. The ultimate family. That should have made the girlfriend happy, but she was so ungrateful. All the screaming and crying rang in my head and exploded in a gunshot.

I hated the music that played over the credits and wanted to turn it off, but I couldn’t find the strength to move. My breath started to come in short gasps, like a fish out of water or like a girl whose older brother was abandoning her. My heart was racing, and the tension behind my eyes was building, but the tears never came. I felt so empty. Eventually, the credits ended, and I was all alone.

***

“I think Finn like likes me,” Rose said absentmindedly while she fiddled with the paper fortune teller she made in class. 

“Exciting.” We were in the line for lunch and I was focused on the menu, trying to decide what to get.

“Yeah. At least that’s what Kaydel said. Oh! And I forgot to ask, how was your mom's checkup last week?”

“Fine. Tells the nurses that she isn’t so tired anymore.”

“That’s good news!”

“Yeah,” I grumbled.

“Then what’s that face for?” Her full attention was now on me, which made me shrink back. Either I have a very expressive face, or Rose knows me too well.

“What face?”

“I don’t know...you just seem sad. Is it Ben? Didn’t you say your uncle was trying to find him a different therapist?”

“Look, I’m fine. Are you finished with that thing yet?” I reached for the fortune teller, but she pulled it away before I could. She folded it back into its intended form and held it up to my face. 

“Now I’m done. Pick a color.”

I looked down to see a blue circle, a green triangle, a red heart, and a yellow square colored in neatly with scented markers.

“Hmm, red.”

“R-e-d,” Rose spelled out the color as she opened and closed the paper, revealing the first four letters of the alphabet. 

“Now, pick a letter.”

“B.” I saw the quirk of her eyebrow before she smiled and folded back the B to reveal the distinguishable loops of her cursive writing. Our teacher said she had the best cursive writing in the class. 

“The love of your life will surprise you with a kiss. Ohhh, that sounds nice.” She wiggled her eyebrows, and I did my best not to roll my eyes. I couldn’t tell her it would be impossible; Ben was barely looking at me; he wasn’t going to kiss me. 

When I got home from school, I walked into mom's room to find Ben at her side, explaining how current events in every decade affect how zombies are portrayed in horror movies. I kissed her on the forehead and smiled at Ben. He kept his face flat as he nodded at me. Gee, at least he was finally looking at me. 

That night, after another quiet dinner with Luke and Ben, I made a point to turn in for bed early. Feigning exhaustion was easy enough, and I sluggishly carried myself upstairs to finish off the little performance. After rushing through my homework, I made sure to brush my teeth for two minutes and floss, then changed into my pajamas and crawled into bed. 

I waited patiently as the last traces of sunlight disappeared, and the stars filled the dark space between my open window. I had my blanket pulled up to my nose, but I could still feel the warm summer breeze against my cheeks and imagined it was Ben comforting me. 

Almost an hour later, I could hear footsteps coming up the stairs. A small part of me still hoped that Ben would come into my room to wish me goodnight or kiss my temple, or even pat me on the goddamn shoulder, but I was disappointed once again. I listened to him brush his teeth and walk past my room, the loud sound of his lock clicking telling me that he was in for the night. 

I dozed off multiple times, but the sound of Ben’s groggy shuffling to the bathroom later in the night woke me up. I knew how he grabbed at himself to guide the stream, so the loud echo of pee hitting the toilet bowl made me throb in excitement.

When he was done, I made sure to lay still while he walked past my room; but instead of hearing his door close, there was silence. I lifted my head as quietly as I could, and my heart skipped a beat to see his shadow in front of my door. He stood there for a moment listening to see if I was asleep, then rushed off. The next sound I heard was his door shutting without the click of a lock.

I counted to five hundred before getting out of bed and tiptoeing down the hall to Ben’s door. My hand hovered over the cold doorknob, and I turned it, still expecting some resistance from the lock. 

He was lying on his side, hands tucked under his cheek, making his lips pout. His hair had grown well past his ears, but I could still make out the shape of them. I took my time crossing over to him and took even longer standing over him, admiring his beauty.

Ben looked so peaceful. So much of the waking world bothered him, and it was always nice to see him relaxed. 

What I really wanted was to feel his even breath on my neck, the stinging of his fingers wiggling inside of me, and the warm stickiness of his cum against my thighs. But I couldn’t have any of that right now.

I bent down and kissed him as lightly as possible. Well, it wasn’t so much of a kiss as it was me putting my lips on his, but the contact still sent me to cloud nine. In my excitement, I leaned into him a bit too forcefully, making his mouth fall open. I jumped back, thinking he had woken up, but he laid there, peacefully sleeping and perfectly pliant. 

That would have to be enough for now. 

***

Sneaking into Ben’s room at night worked out so well I was mad at for not trying it sooner. Sometimes he still locked the door after going to the bathroom, but as long as I pretended to go to sleep before him, there was a good chance he wouldn’t. 

After a couple of weeks of just kissing him, I got the urge to run my fingers through his still growing hair. As the months went on, my hands found the courage to stray further and further underneath the covers. I liked it best when he fell asleep on his back so I could see his penis sticking straight up like some sort of flagpole. 

I tried to jerk him off a couple of times, but he would start to fidget too much, so I stopped trying. Most of the time, I just kissed him and stared at him until I was exhausted. After I was done in his room, I would go back to bed and touch myself like he had taught me. 

I had to go back to taking naps in the back of the library during lunch, but it was worth it. 

***

Rose got her period a couple of months before me, so she had plenty of advice when I finally woke up to spotted sheets. I thought my whole life was going to change, but nothing spectacular happened. It was an inconvenience more than anything. 

Against all odds, and at the disbelief of her doctor’s, mom’s health improved. She wasn’t in any condition to run marathons or anything, but she had gained enough strength to walk around the first floor with her walker and eat dinner at the table with the rest of the family. 

Ben finally reached a compromise with uncle Luke and enrolled in community college classes in town instead of going to Chandrila University. Uncle Luke said it wasn’t right for him to stay cooped up with us being his only social interaction anymore, and Ben finally listened. He started going to classes three days a week, and after two semesters, he had made a couple of friends. 

***

Enough time passed with mom’s health stabilized that we actually started planning my sweet sixteen. Luke advised me privately that it was a little ambitious since it was still a few years away, but mom was excited thinking of different themes, and I was more than happy to daydream alongside her. 

Ben’s attitude toward me softened a bit. After some time, he began helping me with homework again and talking to me casually throughout the day. We even started watching _The Twilight Zone_ together again, the only difference being I no longer sat on his lap. Sometimes he would let his hand fall into the space between our legs when we sat next to each other on the couch, and as time went on, I caught him staring at me more and more, but I never commented on it. I reveled in any bit of attention and contact I got from him, and I didn’t want to say anything to jeopardize it. I was still sneaking into his room most nights to touch him, so I just smiled and stayed quiet. 

Of course, I did my part to encourage him as subtly as I could manage during the day. My boobs had finally filled out a bit, so I stopped wearing a bra around the house. Ben looked at me a lot more when I was wearing white shirts, so that’s what I wore most of the time. Rose and I found a box of her sister’s old clothes from high school, and she let me take a pair of jean short shorts that made my butt look really good. I started wearing it when Ben suggested we resume our walks together in the forest, and if there was anything I could climb over or pick up, I made sure to do it in his field of vision.

***

Algebra homework was kicking my ass. Ben usually explained the lesson much better than any of my math teachers, but he still hadn’t come home even though his classes ended more than an hour ago. 

I was in the middle of balancing a pencil between my lip and nose like a mustache when the rumbling of an unfamiliar engine pulled into the driveway. Ben hopped out of the passenger side of a shiny, black F-150, so I rushed to the bathroom to brush out my hair. The front door slammed shut, and I ran back to my room to change out of the sweatpants I was wearing and into my jean shorts.

I didn’t want to seem too eager, so I waited a minute before walking into Ben’s room. I was thrown off guard to find a stranger sitting on the bed instead of my brother. 

“Well, hello there. Who might you be?”

“Rey.” 

“Ahh, the little sister,” he paused to look me up and down before smiling, “not so little, I guess.”

Ben walked into the room before I could say anything and glanced over my outfit with a stern look. 

“Do you need something?”

“Oh, umm, not really. I heard you come home, but I thought you were alone. Wanted to see if you were up for a walk.”

“No,” was all he said before walking to his desk and rifling through his drawers, and throwing some notebooks into his backpack. 

“Whoah, whoah, whoah, let’s not be so quick to see this beautiful lady off. I didn’t even get to introduce myself,” the guy held out his hand and waited for me to grab it before speaking, “I’m Armitage, from Ben’s computer maintenance class.” 

“Hi-”

“There, you introduced yourself,” Ben interrupted, “did you need anything else?” I looked down at my feet, trying to hide the flush of embarrassment on my cheeks. Things were going so well between us, but I seemed to have ruined it. 

“Look,” Armitage spoke up, “we just have to finish something for class real quick, but maybe you could hang out with us after.” He winked at me when I looked back up at him, which made my skin crawl. However, I was willing to do anything to spend extra time with Ben, even if that meant hanging out with his creepy friend. I nodded my head, and Armitage stepped closer, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. 

“No,” Ben repeated in an emotionless tone. 

“But I’m not doing anything,” I tried not to sound whiny, but it still came across that way, “I wouldn’t mind hanging out with you guys.”

“We’re going to his house, and you need to stay here with mom.” 

“Mom’s taking a nap, and uncle Luke will be home soon.”

“I said no. And get your arm off of her.”

Armitage lifted his arm off of me and held up his hands in surrender. Ben finished packing his bag in a huff. He wasn’t going to change his mind, so I shut my mouth and moved to the side, leaving him room before he could barrel through like he probably wanted to do. Ben stood in the doorway, waiting for his friend to follow. Hux rolled his eyes and winked at me again before walking out.

I was so angry I didn’t move until I heard the sound of Armitage’s truck pull out of the driveway. I wanted to punch something so bad. No. I wanted to punch Ben. I’ve been nothing but understanding and accommodating, but all he’s done is push me away. 

***

It was quiet on the walk home from school. Rose, Finn, and Poe invited me to stay after school for the robotics club, but I declined. Ever since Rose and Finn started dating, they spent every moment possible making googly eyes at each other, and I was not in the mood to see that any more than necessary. 

So there I was, walking along the road, kicking a rock in a straight line instead of hanging out with my friends. 

An ambulance whizzed by me, distracting me from the rock long enough that I stepped on it instead of kicking it.

“Shit.” 

I was wearing flats, so there wasn’t much padding protecting me from the pointed end getting jabbed into my sole.

I took my time hobbling home, vigilant for any more rocks on the sidewalk. When I finally turned the corner into my neighborhood, I saw the ambulance that had passed me parked in front of our house. I almost tripped over my own feet as I took off in a dead sprint, ignoring every jolt of pain that ran up my legs as my feet hit the pavement. 

I could hear screaming before I even got to the driveway. It was Ben’s voice.

The front door was wide open, and as soon I stepped foot inside, I saw uncle Luke trying to hold Ben back as two paramedics pushed a covered body out of the house. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I could do. 

“Rey,” Luke called out, “you have to watch your brother. I have to go with your mother.”

“Let me go!” Ben tried shaking Luke off, but Luke kept his arms up to keep him from running. 

“No, you need to stay here. Please, I need to follow them.” 

Ben balled his fists and took a step back. Tears ran down uncle Luke’s face, but he didn’t say anything else before rushing out the door. 

Mom was under that sheet. She was- 

The sound of Ben punching a hole in the wall snapped me out of my daze. His chest was heaving with every breath, and he cradled his bloody hand close to his chest while flicking the fingers of his uninjured hand. He wasn’t screaming anymore, but I could feel the anger flowing out of him as he paced around the living room. Uncle Luke always said for me to hang back when Ben was having a meltdown since he was significantly bigger than me and could easily hurt me.

“Ben, please, tell me what to do. What do you need?” My voice so quiet and shaky, I couldn’t believe it came from me. 

Ben leaned up against the wall he had just punched and slid down onto his butt, keeping his knees bent in front of him. I took that as my opportunity to go over and kneel beside him, reaching out my hand and placing it on his shoulder. He didn’t pull away, and even more unexpectedly, he let his head fall to the side, allowing me to cradle his cheek. I could feel the full weight of his sadness and anger in the tension in his jaw; it was heartbreaking. 

“Please tell me how I can help. Tell me what to do.”

He started humming, and I could feel a gentle movement as he began rocking himself back and forth. 

We stayed like that for so long; the pain in my foot was throbbing, my knees were sore, and my shoulder started to burn from keeping it outstretched.

“I promised mom I’d look after you.” His voice startled me. It still had a rasp from yelling, but he still sounded clear and unwavering. 

“O-okay.” 

“That I would take care of you.” He seemed to be getting worked up again, and my hand started shaking so much he lifted his head so I could finally put my arm down. 

“You don’t have to worry about that now, Ben. It’s okay. We’re going to be okay.” 

“That I wasn’t going to hurt you,” he lowered his head to rest his forehead on his knees, which muffled his voice, “but you make it so hard.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You make it so fucking hard.”

I wobbled, trying to shift my weight to keep my knees from hurting, but Ben snapped his head up and grabbed hold of my shoulder to keep me in place. His knuckles were still oozing blood, but he kept his movements slow, pressing his thumb into my neck as he made his way to my cheek. Part of me was relieved that he was finally touching me after what felt like forever, but there was something in his grip that scared me. 

His long fingers reached into my hair, and I felt him tug lightly. I tried looking down to see what he was doing, but he gripped a chunk of my hair so I couldn’t move my head. The stinging of my scalp intensified as he tightened his grip, and I felt the blood drip down the back of my neck. 

Ben kept my hair firm in his grasp while he rocked himself. My body was in so much pain staying knelt beside him, but I kept quiet and distracted myself by thinking about what he had promised mom. 

When he was calm, he let go of my hair and let his hand move slowly down my neck and chest until his hand was by his side again. 

My legs had long fallen asleep, but I moved them in front of me so that I could sit on my butt and stretch out. Every inch of my body ached, and finally, after holding it all together, I cried out. 

-gone. She was gone. 

It didn’t make any sense. Her doctors said it was a miracle; she was doing so well. She took walks around the cul de sac and was eating all her favorite foods again. She wanted to rent a cabin by the lake for Christmas. We hadn’t even finished planning my sweet sixteen. She was supposed to be here.

The tears felt thick falling down my face, and my body felt so heavy I threw myself back and hugged the ground. My chest felt increasingly tighter with every breath, and I struggled to balance my breathing with my crying.

Every one of my senses was blurry, but I felt the vague warmth of Ben’s hands on my hips. He had taken the spot next to me on the ground and pulled me into him so tightly my nose pressed uncomfortably against his chest. The smell of fresh laundry mixed with his natural musk and the coppery smell of dried blood on his knuckles enveloped my body like a warm blanket. My sobbing turned to pathetic whimpers until finally, the house was so quiet; all I could hear was Ben’s breathing.

When I was calm enough, I held my breath and waited for Ben to exhale so that way every breath I took came from his body. 

Ben remained relatively motionless as we laid there on the ground, but as the emotional exhaustion started to take its toll on me, I could feel his hands wander down to the curve of my butt. I fit so perfectly in his hand. My eyelids were getting heavy, but I fought against it to feel his hand slip underneath my shirt. 

“Go to sleep, Rey.” My head was nestled under his chin, but he sounded so far away. I tried to open my eyes to no avail. 

He was so close. So incredibly close. But I couldn’t fight it anymore, and I drifted off to sleep. 

***

We didn’t see Han until the funeral. I had overheard enough phone conversations to know that he wasn’t taking it well, so I was surprised to see him clean-shaven in a nice suit, smelling like something other than cheap beer. He didn’t slur any of his words when he hugged Ben and me, and he actually chose to sit in between us during the service. 

I couldn’t pay too much attention to what uncle Luke said because I wanted to stay vigilant for Ben’s sake. He was doing his best keeping his humming and clicking quiet, but the old wooden pews were very squeaky, which only exaggerated his rocking. 

Uncle Luke decided it would be best for Ben if we had a closed-casket service, so once the priest closed in prayer, we all filed out of the funeral home and drove to mom’s final resting spot.

Han was a blubbering mess when mom’s body was lowered into the ground. Part of me wanted to reach out and comfort him, but another part of me was glad he was suffering. When it was over, he hugged me again, leaving tear streaks on my black velvet dress, and said he’d come over to the house next week so we can all have a much-needed family discussion. I watched him walk up to Ben, who was standing quietly next to mom’s headstone and wrap him in a big bear hug. Han seemed to be telling him something, but I wasn’t close enough to hear. 

He didn’t show up to the reception back at the funeral home, which was probably for the best. 

Rose and her mother were there for the first twenty minutes, so I had someone to talk to and protect me from unwanted conversations and condolences from people I barely knew.

“I’m sorry, Rey, but my mom has to go,” Rose said, pulling me in for a hug.

“No, don’t even worry about it. Thanks for coming. It means a lot.”

“And remember, if you feel like you need space from your house or anyone in it, mom said you could stay with us for as long as you need.”

“Thanks.”

I waved her and her mother off with a weak smile before taking a seat in the armchair with an outdated burgundy and gold floral print design that just so happened to be situated right next to the food. I picked through the cheese platter and was working my way through the fruit when I heard Ben’s voice.

“I want to go home,” he snapped at uncle Luke.

“Why don’t you find a quiet place-”

“I want to go home.” 

Luke excused himself from the group of people he had been talking to and frantically looked around the room. When he finally saw me staring, he whispered something to Ben and came straight over to me. I nervously shoved the handful of grapes I had into my mouth.

“Rey, I need you to go home with your brother.”

There was no use arguing, so I just nodded in compliance and gathered my shawl and another handful of grapes before following them out of the room. 

All three of us waited in front of the funeral home in silence, waiting for the taxi. When it pulled up, Ben rushed into the backseat. Luke held onto my shoulder and leaned in for a hug.

“I should be home in an hour or two. Three tops. Just keep an eye on him. If he’s stimming, leave him be, but if he starts having a meltdown and you can’t control him, call me. Okay?” I nodded and slid into the car. 

Ben grabbed my hand immediately after the driver pulled out of the parking lot, and a fluttery feeling bloomed in my stomach. 

The house seemed unbearably quiet when we made our way inside, and I knew if it stayed that way for the rest of the afternoon, I’d lose my mind.

“Do you maybe want to watch a movie?” I asked as we took off our shoes in the entryway. Ben didn’t answer me, so I asked again as I hung my shawl up in the entryway closet. 

When I turned around, Ben smashed his lips into mine rather unceremoniously. My mind went blank in complete disbelief trying to process what was going on. The only thing I could do was wedge my hands between our chests to push him back.

“What are you doing?” I asked, breathless. He answered by grabbing my hand and leading me upstairs. I walked with some resistance up the first couple of steps, but I gave in when I finally realized that he had kissed me. 

Ben kissed me, and now he was taking me to his room. 

I stood awkwardly beside his bed as he took off his suit jacket and loosened his tie. I squeezed my legs together at the sight of him undressing, and I could feel my cheeks and ears burn up. When he was down to his briefs, he turned me around and unzipped me out of my dress. I was a little self-conscious about the sports bra and hi-waisted boyshorts I was wearing, but the way his hands caressed my shoulders down to the curve of my breast told me he felt otherwise. 

He pulled me in for another kiss, and this time, instead of pushing him away, my body immediately melted into his. His lips were soft and tasted faintly of fruit punch from the reception. I opened my mouth and waited for him to slip his tongue onto mine. His mouth was warm and inviting, and the feeling alone made me clench my legs together. 

My hips jutted forward unexpectedly, and I felt the unmistakable bulge of his erection against my stomach. I pulled away from him so I could see, but my legs were so unsteady I stumbled back and hit my shin on the bed. Before I could regain my balance, Ben pushed me back down. 

It was quiet then.

There was a powerful charge flowing between us, connecting us somehow. I looked into his eyes and saw all the sadness, pain, and longing, and I knew he saw it in me too. 

This was always going to happen. This was meant to happen. 

I scooted back into the bed and unclasped my bra, throwing it to the side while he slid out of his briefs. I was in awe of his body; every freckle, every curve of his muscles, and every wave of his hair stirred something within me. 

The head of his cock was glistening with pre-cum, and I felt every muscle in my body tighten with the memory of his two fingers plunging inside me.

He yanked my underwear off, and my legs fell open instinctively. 

“Show me,” he whispered through clenched teeth. 

I dropped my hand down without hesitation, knowing exactly what he wanted. It had been a couple of weeks since I last masturbated, so the second I started rubbing myself for him, I moaned out and bucked my hips into the air. 

I rushed myself to the edge of an orgasm, but Ben stopped me, pushing my hand away and crawling on top of me before I could finish. 

He held himself above me with one hand as the other made its way down my stomach and lingered in the small patch of curls that had grown between my legs.

My breath hitched as his finger eased into me. It took a second to readjust to the intrusion, but eventually, I enjoyed the sensation. He set an agonizingly slow pace, and every time I jerked myself forward to get him to go faster, he pulled his finger out completely. 

I whined at him, but he shushed me with lingering kisses on the corner of my mouth, and by using the finger he had inside of me to play with my nipples. 

“Mmmmm Ben,” I whispered in a haze of pleasure, “I missed you so much.”

He kissed me again before grabbing hold of his length to line himself at my entrance. The slippery head of his cock pushed against my clit, making me shiver, but I knew that’s not what he wanted to happen by the way he was chewing on his cheek. 

I tried scooting myself down a little and lifting my hips off the bed to help, and after a couple more seconds of haphazard prodding, I could feel the pressure of his head spreading me open. I remember Ben telling me it would hurt, but nothing could have prepared me for the feeling of him thrusting his entire length into me in one go. We both gasped out, but I was sure he wasn’t in any pain. 

“Fuck, you feel so good,” he huffed out into my forehead and left wet kisses along my temple. 

I tried to take my mind off of the pain of him thrusting into me by thinking of mom. She probably wouldn’t like the fact that her children were having sex. Mom had a brother; did she ever love Luke like this? Han seemed a lot nicer to Ben and me today, but if he moved in and found us together, he’d probably beat us. Uncle Luke didn’t seem to have a problem with how close Ben and I were, but he’d been pushing for Ben to leave the house for so long. 

“Oh God,” Ben sighed into my ear. 

I held onto his forearms to stabilize myself, but his thrusting was becoming too erratic. The muscles in his arms stiffened, and I felt the odd sensation of twitching inside of me. 

“I’m gonna cum,” he struggled to keep himself up, but he didn’t slow his pace, “tell me you want me to cum inside you.”

“C-cum inside me.”

“You want me to fill you up?”

“Yes. Yes.” I had to squeeze my eyes shut to focus enough on speaking, and his moan in response was heaven to my ears. “I want your cum inside me. Where it belongs.”

I could feel him suck on the side of my neck as he came inside of me, his muscles spasming on top of me. 

The stretch was something I would have to get used to, but it would be worth it to be this close to him again.

He lingered on top of me, lazily thrusting his softening member inside of me until it slipped out of its own volition. 

Ben kissed me on the forehead before scooting himself down the length of my body until his head was between my legs. My heart jumped at the familiar sight. 

“You have hair down here,” he said casually. Rose told me guys preferred woman hairless, but I didn’t care about what other guys thought. I just cared about Ben, and the thought of him not liking any part of me made me sad. 

“Do...you not like it?”

He reached out his hand let his palm rest on the patch of curls.

“I like how it feels.”

“Good. I’m glad.”

He seemed very taken with playing with the hair down there, but all I could think about was how I didn’t orgasm like Ben did. Without needing to say anything, he nudged my legs open and lowered his sights to my entrance. 

“Lift your legs up.”

My thighs were cramping, but I lifted my knees to my chest and held myself open for him. 

“Do you think you could push it out a little?”

“Umm I can try.” I wasn’t exactly sure how I was supposed to push his cum out, but that didn’t stop me from trying. And after a minute, I felt the familiar ticklish sensation of it leaking out of me.

He dipped his head below, and the room was soon filled with the obscene sounds of him lapping up his cum from my aching pussy. I let out a satisfied sigh and welcomed the fuzzy feeling that was filling my mind. I was beyond sensitive, and thankfully Ben had enough sense not to stick his fingers or tongue inside of me. He wrapped his lips around my clit and sucked gently until I was a whimpering, convulsing mess.

I dropped my legs onto the bed and sighed in relief.

I opened my arms for Ben, and he was at my side in an instant, nestling himself underneath my chin. He let his thigh rest on top of mine, and I could feel his sticky member rest between us. 

“I love you, Rey.”

The weight of his words and the weight of his body on top of mine soothed every ache and every pain, and I knew then, that we were connected by something much stronger than our blood.

***

The room was bathed in the most beautiful golden light when I finally woke up, but the sight of Ben naked beside me was what I wanted to focus on. 

As if he knew I was thinking of him, Ben’s eyes fluttered open, and he smiled. It was a toothy smile that I had never seen before, and my heart filled with joy. This is what it was going to be like for the rest of our lives—just the two of us. 

“How do you feel?” he asked running his hand along my abdomen. 

“Mmmm I think I’ll be okay.”

”I’m glad I didn’t hurt you too much.”

”It was worth it...to have you so close to me again.” 

“Hey,” he whispered in a more serious tone that threw me off, “what do we do now?”

I thought hard about his question. We couldn’t get married, but once I graduated, we could move far away and live like a normal couple. No one would whisper about how strange and secluded the Solo kids were anymore. Ben could get a job in IT, and I could be a librarian or a school counselor. On second thought, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do. But it didn’t matter as long as long as I could be with him. And then, when we saved up enough money, we could fill a house with babies. We would grow old together and die together-

The slamming of a car door in the driveway interrupted my train of thought. Ben was looking at me now, waiting for an answer. 

Keys jingled against the lock, and the sound of Luke sighing as he heaved the front door open echoed inside the quiet house. Ben looked worried then, but I couldn’t help but smile. 

“We should probably put some clothes on.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooof okay, that was fun to write. I played pretty fast and loose with the verb tenses so hopefully that didn't bother anyone too much. 
> 
> If you loved it, hated it, or thought it was just meh, let me know :)


End file.
